. a bit long and serious .

so much distractions. final is over. for most people, the serabutness should be fading farther away by now. as for me it just getting closer and thicker. i want to be at home. i know i will be living in boredom. somehow i just want. i dont want to give reasons. i hate reasons as much as i hate myself because i keep giving reasons on every single thing. perhaps some of those reasons is considerably acceptable but some of the reasons just totally nonsense. i am not a desicive person. i have to do it baby steps. i need to do some hierarchy of what is much important, of what is essential, of what is crucial, in my life now. i mean right now. in this time being. in this minute. in this second. it is extremely hard for me to get the puzzles in the right orientation. to stitch up the fragments.to fix thing back to normal. to make people not to judge me as i am a bad person. as if i am not. heh. i did something bad yesterday unintendedly. i wish i could tell why.i wish i could rewind. i am sorry. but yeah. sorry seems to be the hardest word. i am not being responsible. i am anak derhaka. i am tak guna workpartner. like seriously, am i really deserve to be entitled to both of it ? or maybe i already am. in this case, i wish i am not been given any option. i have no will, no strength, no gut to tell people even to those i love most that how hard for me to explain things occuring me lately. this moment i really need to pour everything out. my patience is wearing thin. bye machoness. hye cengengness.


i do believe that certain things are meant to NOT be done right. we make mistakes. i've made a countless number of mistakes and some of em i just wish i would never ever ever ever ever done it. but failing from not studying it back is NOT tolerable mistakes. i know i am not in a position to complain much about others. i'd rather rattling about me. because i know i have to struggle just to discover myself. letih. i am now plotting myself to a friggin' horrible life and i want to turn it back as normal as it suppose to be. i am cringed.

i dont need someone for me to hug. now. i want to be alone. to shed tears alone sometimes is much much better. melodrama, ranting, whining, complaining, frowning, rumbling i know it just damn tiring. i bet that he too just cant hear any of it anymore from me. sekelumit saja baru. this kinda vibes just wont do. but its avoidless, inevitable. minta maaf lah. saya memang manusia biasa dan lemah. dah lah. i have to do my to-do list in my planner baru.

bottom line. i will finish all what i have started. and then. i am DONE!

sedikit nota kaki : can i take cigars? ah. am still sane lah. guess this is my very first serious long ramble.